New Devil’s Dictionary

I’m a huge fan of Ambrose Bierce’s Devil’s Dictionary. There’s really nothing like top shelf vintage snark, and to get much better than this you have to start suggesting people eat babies.

Never hoping to rival, but only to celebrate the brilliance of the man (and honestly just to entertain myself), I’m compiling a modern, New Devil’s Dictionary, to cover some things that Bierce never got a chance to skewer with his acerbic wit before Mexico ate him.

This is a living project. I’ll add entries here and there, and contributions/suggestions are always welcome. Or start your own! There should be more concise, alphabetized snark in the world.

The New Devil’s Dictionary

Aliens (n) Mysterious entities that emerge as if from nowhere to fulfill their victims’ most depraved fantasies.

Anarchy (n) Identical to every form of government in that it would work just fine if people would all stop being jerks.

Classic (adj) Unlikely to be forgotten until it is.

Consumer (n) Someone willing to buy exactly what he’s being sold.

Fame (n) The highest point in a terrifying downward spiral that can be mitigated only by an early and tragic demise.

Forgive (v) Clever method of reminding people what they did wrong when they’re in danger of forgetting.

Internet (n) Vehicle that transports one’s ego all around the world to cavort with the egos of others. Causes inflammation.

Karaoke (n) A subtle form of Japanese mind control that briefly convinces its victims that they’re talented.

Model/actress (n) A chimera composed of two animals: failure, and lack of success.

Obesity (n) A medical condition that reportedly causes acute but debilitating myopia in doctors.

Obvious (adj) Having been realized as early as yesterday.

Pedant (n) An individual with more memory than discretion.

Petty (adj) Displaying priorities that differ from the observer’s own.

Push-up bra (n) A practical joke that, once revealed, the victim is often too busy to laugh at.

Retro (adj) Characterized by an attempt to justify a fixation with the trappings of one’s miserable childhood.

Smartphone (n) A species of gris-gris that guarantees possessors that no one will ever get a chance to miss them.

Television (n) Modern device that can convey sound, color, movement, and narrative. Also hipster bragging rights to those who lack one.

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